Furry little scene stealers!

“I don’t have Stanky Leg!” I snapped at a sixth grader. I normally pride myself on rolling with the punches for any job. I also knew that DJing an inner city school would mean a tidal wave of requests for booty shaking songs I likely did not own. However I hadn’t planned on the pretty rainbow or the boiling pot of soup.

Rewind two weeks. After exhausting every potential financing option I could think of, I was about to purchase a car with a credit card. Upon hearing this my parents staged an intervention (or as close to an intervention as possible over the phone.) They convinced me that while buying a new engine for an aging Jeep was risky, it still beat putting twelve grand on my card for a new car. I admit this would have been financial suicide. So there, I’ve said it. My parents were right. It happens now and then.

Lowell the mechanic told me it would be no problem and would have it ready by Tuesday. On Tuesday I called and he said he hadn’t started yet, heavily backlogged, working 13 hour days, blah blah blah. He said Thursday, maybe. Thursday didn’t happen and neither did Saturday, scratching my plans to attend the Production Assistant Boot Camp in Detroit. Most frustrating.

Ryan asked how it was coming and I told him. He then called the shop to complain the delay was fucking up his world as there were DJ jobs I needed to cover. This was not true at the time, but he was so convincing even I bought it. The motivational speech must have worked, because my car was finished two days later. Only cost $2750. Chump change really.

I broke in my new engine yesterday with road trips to Hemlock (rescued my skis from the storage shed, despite the freakish sixty degree weather), then to Midland for some rollerblading. Nevermind that my blades were still in the living room. I resigned myself to walking the rail trail, but then Ryan called about DJing a job Wednesday for the new middle school. I hightailed it back to the gym where he had the contract ready for me.

Today I pulled up to the building and went inside to check it out. I can honestly say it’s the first middle school I’ve played that had a metal detector. The principal told me to pull around back to unload. I backed the trailer up to the door and moved the equipment into the gym. I went back to get my music case and that’s when I noticed the pretty rainbow.

It had been raining all day and the pavement was full of puddles. Full of pretty rainbow swirled puddles. Not just a little swirl here and there, but a whole rushing rainbow river. Which just happened to start from under my car. Well every car leaks a little, I thought. But then I noticed there was smoke coming from the car. I killed the engine and was horrified to hear a pot of boiling soup bubbling from under the hood.

I called Ryan and told him what happened. He said I overheated and gave me the shop’s phone number. I called and left a panicked incoherent voice mail. There was nothing else I could do, except my job. I went back in a tried to be as professional as possible. It was tough though when all I could see was my trips to Chicago and Marquette going down the drain in a pretty rainbow swirl.

The muscles in my back tightened and I grit my teeth as I played two straight hours of godawful booty shaking music. And the kids were relentless.

“Do you have Stanky Leg?” What?? No.
“Do you have Don’t by Soulja Boy?” No.
“Do you have Stanky Leg?” No.
“Do you have Diva by Beyonce?” No.
“Do you have Stanky Leg?” Still no.
“Do you have My Duggy?” No.
“Do you have Stanky Leg?” I DON’T HAVE STANKY LEG!!!!!

Stanky Leg. Seriously, what the fuck is this world coming to?

One of the little demons brought the song in on CD and I cranked it out. Stanky Leg was every bit the lyrical masterpiece I imagined and the kids went nuts. I’ve come close to crying on a couple jobs, but it looked like I finally had a winner. Just then the principle announced there was only five minutes left. Now they were tears of joy.

Although the hell was over, I worried that I would be there hours waiting for a tow truck. I went outside and was relieved to see a giant flatbed waiting for my car. My new best friend Harry was attaching hooks to the bottom of the Jeep. The hydrolic flatbad angled down and the cables pulled it right up. Then Harry hitched the DJ trailer to the back of the tow truck and off we went. Freakin awesome.

We dropped the car and trailer off at the shop and Harry took me home. An hour later Lowell called to say he could find nothing wrong. He did a pressure test, but no rainbows, no soup. I called Ryan who suggested it may be a broken thermostat. I left Lowell a voicemail with this info but won’t hear back from him till tomorrow morning.

And now I wait to see if I will be rollerblading to Chicago.

Where is your cell phone? – pocket

Your significant other? – toiling

Your hair? – shorter

Your mother? – worried

Your father? – concerned

Your favorite thing? – movies

Your dream last night? – cave

Your favorite drink? – water

Your dream/goal? – success

What room are you in? – TV

Your hobby? – gaming

Your fear? – rejection

Where do you want to be in 6 years? – bigger

Where were you last night? – gym

Something that you aren’t? – coherent

Muffins? – furry

Wish list item? – Mac

Last thing you did? – defunked

What are you wearing? – boxerbriefs

TV? – betty

Your pet? – freeloaders

Friends? – love

Your life? – fuzzy

Your mood? – awake

Missing someone? – sometimes

Drinking? – pro

Your car? – mobile!!!

Something you’re not wearing? – speedo

Your favorite store? – amazon

Your favorite color? – blue

When is the last time you cried? – Lions

My favorite place to eat? – Giordano’s

Favorite place I’d like to be at right now? – stage

Every Saturdayish I will be answering five questions from my readers. To send me a question, comment here or email it to steve@stevegast.com

1. Please don’t tell it on the mountain, as I am afraid of heights.

2. Can you  call me angel in the morning? (Shaggy does.)

3. The color  puce makes me want to get loose, like a one eyed purple moose!

4. I have a craving for  mashed potatoes and Jack.

5. If my life had a pause button, I’d pause it at the movie theater when I have to pee.  (If only there were a way to pause movies!!)

6. Eyes are the window to the occipital lobe.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to  buying the finest party favors the dollar store has to offer, tomorrow my plans include canceling my plans as my freakin car’s not fixed yet, and Sunday, I want to  hang with the parents, provided we don’t talk about the car or unemployment.

knitmeapony is occasionally required to find mention of the ADA on the web.  So to potentially increase your readership by one, talk about them on your site.

It could be negative:

“My gums are so rotten I can’t chew yogurt and it’s all The American Dental Association’s fault.”

It could be positive:

“I escaped a collapsed building by chewing through a steel bulkhead and it’s all thanks to The American Dental Association.”

Or it could be a factual statement that doesn’t convey an opinion one way or the other:

“Yesterday I took a bath in melted cheese sauce with The American Dental Association.”

So give it a shot.*

*Results not guarenteed.  Also would it hurt to floss at least once a month?  Is that too much to ask?

Yes, I am one of 13 million people handing out awards for SuperBowl Commercials, but it beats reading yet another story about my cats, right?

The Disturbing Imagery Award: Cash4Gold’s Heeere’s Money

Ed McMahon says an emotional goodbye to his golden toilet. Dwell on that.

The Most Culturally Insensitive Award: CareerBuilder.Com’s Tips

Before filming this commercial someone should have asked what Australians mean when the say they’re going to “punch the koala”.

The Sexiest Sexy Award: No one.

Sorry Go Daddy, but if PETA’s Vegetarians Have Better Sex had been allowed to air, it would have made your models look like Martha Stewart and the Golden Girls.

The Let’s Drive This Once Great Franchise Even Further Into The Ground Award: Transformers 2 Trailer

I look forward to more phenomenal special effects, explosions, and complete lack of plot/character development.

The Mafioso Award: Denny’s Thugs

Denny’s – Try Our Dishes or Sleep With The Fishes

The Funniest Award: Budweiser’s Talking Lizards

I love those guys.

The Duh Award: Bridgestone’s Hot Item

As two astronauts do donuts with their dune buggy on Mars, small print at the bottom advises “Do not attempt.”

The We Blew Our Entire Advertising Budget Just To Get In The SuperBowl Award: Vizeo’s Take A Look

That printed text must have cost hundreds to film.

The Most Honest Plantlife Award: Telaflora’s Talking Flowers

You have to respect a rose who calls it like he sees it.

The Creepiest WTF Award: Cheetos’ Chester the Cheetah

Chester’s “Give Daddy a kiss.” did not make me hungry for Cheetos but it did make me want to take a shower.

The Blurriest Movie Trailer Award: Monsters vs Aliens

Why didn’t someone tell me I’d need 3D glasses? It’s not my fault I live in a cave.

And finally…

The Coveted Most Swedish Award: Bud Light’s Swedish

If Conan O’Brien in bunny ears doesn’t make the world a better place, I don’t know what does.<-->

Never drink and drive.  But if you do, don’t write about it in a blog your mom reads.

Thank god I stayed quiet about my last heroin binge.

1. I’d really like my brain to stop hurting right now.

2. Glarghnmpmph is the word you’d most often hear me say if I stubbed my toe.

3. Possession is is a perfume by Jessica Simpson…or was it Bea Arthur?.

4. I have a poster on my bedroom ceiling of Captain Jack Sparrow.

5. Marshmallows and fire go together like Peeps and microwave.

6. Celine Dion’s heart will go on and on.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to my Tylenol kicking in, tomorrow my plans include a possible video post or “VLOG” if you don’t date much and Sunday, I want to watch the Lions win the SuperBowl! (cue the song Dreamweaver)!