Just a few of my favorite moments from the greatest comedic writer/director of the 1980’s:

CLARK: When I asked you kids where you wanted to go for vacation, what did you say?
RUSS: Hawaii Dad?
CLARK: Shut up Russ.
- Vacation

*****
FERRIS: Cameron is so tight, if you stuck a lump of coal up his fist, you would get a diamond.
- Edited for TV version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

*****
CLAUDIA:  Those bells haven’t rung in years.
RUSS:  What do they mean?
CLAUDIA: They’re going to hang somebody.
RUSS: ….DAD!!
- European Vacation

*****
NEAL: Del… Why did you kiss my ear?
DEL: Why are you holding my hand?
NEAL: Where’s your other hand?
DEL: Between two pillows…
NEAL: Those aren’t pillows!
- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

*****
EDDIE: You surprised to see us, Clark?
CLARK: Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.
- Christmas Vacation

Two sabertooth tigers argued bitterly about their dinner. Or to be more accurate, their lack of dinner. They had devoured the last of their cavemen days ago and now their stomachs were growling violently. The cave was empty and there was no meal in sight.

Suddenly, one of the tigers had an epiphany. “We need to see the Great Saber on the Mountain. He’s the wisest of all of us. If anyone knows how to find food, he will.” The other tiger agreed and so they set out on a perilous journey up the mountain. After seven days through blinding snow and howling wind, they made it to the top.

Sitting serenely at the mountain’s peak, the Great Saber asked “What wisdom do you seek, my young cubs?” One of the tiger’s responded “Great Saber, we have eaten the last of our cavemen and now we are starving. What can we do?”

“Ah” the Great Saber replied. “Listen closely, for I will now share with you the secret of happiness. Eat a man and you will be full for a day. Train a man to feed you and you will be full for a lifetime.” The tigers reflected on this and soon their eyes grew wide with comprehension. “Now go, my cubs” said the Great Saber, “share what you have learned and embrace of future of prosperity.”

One million years later, Muffin sits on the table staring intently at my food. He licks his lips in anticipation. An overwhelming urge ingrained in my ancestors compels me to break off a piece of sausage and give it to him. This is probably for the best. After all, it’s better to share dinner than be dinner.

Michael Curry was fired today, leading to mass speculation that Bill Laimbeer will be holding the clipboard next season. The consensus is that MC was fired because, like Flip Saunders before him, he was unable to earn the respect of his players. But can Bill?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Laimbeer and would love to see him coach the Pistons some day. The truth is his players are too young to remember the Bad Boys and sexist though it may be, will not respect his success in the WNBA. They do know him from his media days where he traveled with the team and was one of the guys. Tough to take orders from one of the guys, which certainly helped doom Curry.

In my unprofessional, completely amateur blogger opinion, the Pistons need an old guy. A Don Nelson/Jerry Sloan/Larry Brown type figure. Someone who will strike the fear of God in to them and not accept their “we can coach ourselves” attitude. If he’s not currently in jail for anything, I would give Bobby Knight a call. For that matter, hire Bill Parcells. I don’t care what sport you are in, you’re not going to slack playing for the Big Tuna.

Yes this is a bandwagon/everyone is doing it post, but I don’t care. Michael Jackson played a big role in my childhood. Ok, that didn’t sound right. If you grew up in the ’80s you know what I mean.

Here are my top King of Pop memories:

* Checking out the Thriller album from the public library. I played it in to the ground the one precious week I had it.

* Forcing myself to watch the scary parts of the Thriller video. His eyes are going to change…wait for it, wait for it…AHHH!

* Almost peeing my self lauging as some weird guy named Al mimicked the Beat It video shot for shot.

* Worrying if his hair would ever be all right after the Pepsi fire. Thank God for plastic surgery!

* Listening to every song on Bad over and over in my friend Mark’s basement. The album was on a crazy new format called a “compact disc”. I couldn’t believe you could fit a whole song on something that small.

* Successfully beatmixing Billy Jean with Vanilla Ice for the first time. Word to your mother.

* Accidentally playing the Jackson 5 when I meant to play something else. It packed the dance floor.

* Colossally failing to incorporate the Thriller dance in to my show. Props to Jennifer Garner because it’s harder than it looks.

* Listening to my friend Dave hit the “Whooo!” in Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough every time we go to the bar. Garage doors open when he does this.

Thank you for everything Michael.

This has been a pleasantly cool summer. Some have complained it has been too cool, but I have not. There is this thing called sleep. I like to do it every night and even occasional afternoons when my busy schedule allows. Sleep is hard to come by when your room is a sauna. So bring on another Canadian cold front! Sadly this week the weather whiners got their wish:

Technically I have central air, but it hasn’t worked since the day I moved in. A room AC is also out because my windows slide open vertically. I suppose I could turn one sideways, but that’s a $200 experiment I’m not ready for. Instead I went to Ye Old Wallmart to find an alternative. The solution was the Pelonis Evaporative Cooling Fan.

The cats were very helpful with the assembly:

For only $80 this fan delivers the refreshing breeze of a dying air conditioner. On the plus side it is really loud. Now instead of pretending not to hear people in the other room, I can sincerely say, “Sorry, didn’t hear you over the hurricane rush of lukewarm air.”

Is it December yet?

The manly thing to do on Memorial Day is a “project”. My house just so happens to need a gazillion projects, none of which I’m qualified to do. I was feeling manly though, so I decided to fix my gutters. There is a tiny crack which may be resulting in some tiny basement flooding. It gives the walls a nice tropical rainforest look, but I imagine the mold and mildew might become a health hazard.

I went to the hardware store and bought some caulk. I had the utmost confidence in my ability to use it, but when I got home I read the directions, just to be safe. “Step 1: Insert canister in caulk gun.” Caulk gun? What the hell is a caulk gun?? I’m trying to fix a crack, not whack it! I thought you just squeezed the tube like it was tooth paste. I don’t want a gun, I want the Colgate pump.

Man it’s hard to be manly.

While I am very excited to see Star Trek on Imax next week, I have some reservations. JJ Abrams claims he was more of a Star Wars fan than a Star Trek fan growing up. This makes me more than a little nervous. I love Star Wars and I love Star Trek, but mixing them together could have disastrous consequences. A couple years back I drafted a reference guide to keep these beloved franchises separate. Please print it out and keep it with you at all times:

STAR TREK: Hero is Captain Kirk, an Iowa farmboy who wants to have sex with every alien in the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Hero is Luke Skywalker, a Tattoine farmboy who wants to have sex with his sister.

STAR WARS: Chewbacca played by Peter Mayhew, covered with fake hair
STAR TREK: Captain Kirk played by William Shatner, also covered with fake hair.

STAR TREK: Technology can solve any problem from hangnails to ruptures in the space/time continuum.
STAR WARS: Technology no match for a bunch of pissed off fury midgets.

STAR TREK: Android is Mr. Data who can do millions of computations per second but can’t use contractions in a sentence.
STAR WARS: Android is C-3PO who can speak over six million different languages, but can’t straighten his arms.

STAR WARS: Luke uses The Force to save the galaxy.
STAR TREK: Kirk uses Priceline.com to save hundreds on hotels and airfare.

STAR TREK: Kirk gets advice from Spock, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Leonard Nimoy.
STAR WARS: Luke gets advice from Yoda, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Kermit the Frog.

STAR TREK: Villains are the Borg, a race of automatons who aim to assimilate the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Villains are the Stormtroopers, a race of automatons who can’t aim at the broadside of a barn.

STAR WARS: Biggest fans are geeks like me with no social life.
STAR TREK: Ok, no real difference there.

Hopefully that clears things up. May the Force help you live long and prosper.

I have the toenails of a crusty old pirate. Just covered in barnacles. Today after grinding them down with a hacksaw, I decided they needed some freshening up. Girlfriend had mentioned that Vick’s Vapor Rub can help. True you need to do it consistently for 300 days straight, but I figured anything was better than nothing. I smeared some rub on the barnacles then put on my socks.

I was assaulted almost instantly by Biscuit. He nuzzled his way into my foot purring loudly. I may as well have danced in catnip. He started licking my toes happily. It was a weird but not unpleasant sensation. I probably would have let him lick the barnacles clean off, but I suspected vapor rub was not kitty friendly. I banished him from the room and aired out my soggy sock.

Let me know if you have any toenail care tips that are cat compliant.