She walks among us…

October 12th, 2009

My friends Pete and Dara have a something year old daughter named Grace.  She appears to be a normal child at first, running, laughing and playing.  One would never suspect her sinister secret identity.  “I am a half-vampire.” she confided in me.

I admit I found this hard to believe, until she laid out the cold hard facts.

FACT: When her two front teeth fell out, she tasted her own blood and LIKED IT.

FACT: Now that her front teeth are missing, she has been left with a perfect set of little vampire fangs.

FACT: Ok, there weren’t any other facts but still the evidence is pretty conclusive.

Not quite convinced though, I noted that she was walking in broad daylight and had yet to burst into flames.  “That’s because I’m half-human” she said.  Touche.  She is exactly like Wesley Snipes in Blade, only four feet shorter and white minus the kung-fu skills and ninja swords.

At this point your first impulse may be to stock up on garlic and holy water.  I assure you though, there is no need to panic.  Grace promised me she will not feed on other humans.   For now….

Next stop Tokyo

October 6th, 2009

There was a knock at the door.  I opened it and it was Godzilla.  I said “Hey, GZ, what’s up?”  He said, “I’m here to fight the monster.”  I said “what monster?”  He pointed down.  I looked and sure enough there was a mutant zit on my belly the size of Mothra.

Dr. H.

September 30th, 2009

I’ve been going to the same dentist since I was a kid.  He used to intimidate me when I was young, and that didn’t really change as an adult.  It’s only in the last year I’ve realized he is a little off.  I appreciate that.

A few conversation highlights between him, my not at all sarcastic hygienist Traci and me:

TRACI: Are you ready to see Debbie Downer?

DR. H: Debbie? ? I thought her name was Linda.

****

DR. H: Traci’s a real be-atch.

TRACI: Do you even know what that means?

DR.H: No.

****

TRACI: What about the holes in his front teeth?

DR. H: Yes, we’ll have to pull those.

ME: Very funny….you are joking right??

****

TRACI: My patient has to leave soon.

DR. H: So which of his teeth are you going to clean?

****

DR. H: Do you lift weights?

ME: Yes I do.

DR. H: I can tell because you’re built like me.

ME: Hahahahaha

DR. H: Why is that funny?

John Hughes memorables

August 6th, 2009

Just a few of my favorite moments from the greatest comedic writer/director of the 1980′s:

CLARK: When I asked you kids where you wanted to go for vacation, what did you say?
RUSS: Hawaii Dad?
CLARK: Shut up Russ.
- Vacation

*****
FERRIS: Cameron is so tight, if you stuck a lump of coal up his fist, you would get a diamond.
- Edited for TV version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

*****
CLAUDIA:  Those bells haven’t rung in years.
RUSS:  What do they mean?
CLAUDIA: They’re going to hang somebody.
RUSS: ….DAD!!
- European Vacation

*****
NEAL: Del… Why did you kiss my ear?
DEL: Why are you holding my hand?
NEAL: Where’s your other hand?
DEL: Between two pillows…
NEAL: Those aren’t pillows!
- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

*****
EDDIE: You surprised to see us, Clark?
CLARK: Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.
- Christmas Vacation

How it came to be…

July 20th, 2009

Two sabertooth tigers argued bitterly about their dinner. Or to be more accurate, their lack of dinner. They had devoured the last of their cavemen days ago and now their stomachs were growling violently. The cave was empty and there was no meal in sight.

Suddenly, one of the tigers had an epiphany. “We need to see the Great Saber on the Mountain. He’s the wisest of all of us. If anyone knows how to find food, he will.” The other tiger agreed and so they set out on a perilous journey up the mountain. After seven days through blinding snow and howling wind, they made it to the top.

Sitting serenely at the mountain’s peak, the Great Saber asked “What wisdom do you seek, my young cubs?” One of the tiger’s responded “Great Saber, we have eaten the last of our cavemen and now we are starving. What can we do?”

“Ah” the Great Saber replied. “Listen closely, for I will now share with you the secret of happiness. Eat a man and you will be full for a day. Train a man to feed you and you will be full for a lifetime.” The tigers reflected on this and soon their eyes grew wide with comprehension. “Now go, my cubs” said the Great Saber, “share what you have learned and embrace of future of prosperity.”

One million years later, Muffin sits on the table staring intently at my food. He licks his lips in anticipation. An overwhelming urge ingrained in my ancestors compels me to break off a piece of sausage and give it to him. This is probably for the best. After all, it’s better to share dinner than be dinner.

And the coaching carousel continues…

June 30th, 2009

Michael Curry was fired today, leading to mass speculation that Bill Laimbeer will be holding the clipboard next season. The consensus is that MC was fired because, like Flip Saunders before him, he was unable to earn the respect of his players. But can Bill?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Laimbeer and would love to see him coach the Pistons some day. The truth is his players are too young to remember the Bad Boys and sexist though it may be, will not respect his success in the WNBA. They do know him from his media days where he traveled with the team and was one of the guys. Tough to take orders from one of the guys, which certainly helped doom Curry.

In my unprofessional, completely amateur blogger opinion, the Pistons need an old guy. A Don Nelson/Jerry Sloan/Larry Brown type figure. Someone who will strike the fear of God in to them and not accept their “we can coach ourselves” attitude. If he’s not currently in jail for anything, I would give Bobby Knight a call. For that matter, hire Bill Parcells. I don’t care what sport you are in, you’re not going to slack playing for the Big Tuna.

Memories of Michael

June 27th, 2009

Yes this is a bandwagon/everyone is doing it post, but I don’t care. Michael Jackson played a big role in my childhood. Ok, that didn’t sound right. If you grew up in the ’80s you know what I mean.

Here are my top King of Pop memories:

* Checking out the Thriller album from the public library. I played it in to the ground the one precious week I had it.

* Forcing myself to watch the scary parts of the Thriller video. His eyes are going to change…wait for it, wait for it…AHHH!

* Almost peeing my self lauging as some weird guy named Al mimicked the Beat It video shot for shot.

* Worrying if his hair would ever be all right after the Pepsi fire. Thank God for plastic surgery!

* Listening to every song on Bad over and over in my friend Mark’s basement. The album was on a crazy new format called a “compact disc”. I couldn’t believe you could fit a whole song on something that small.

* Successfully beatmixing Billy Jean with Vanilla Ice for the first time. Word to your mother.

* Accidentally playing the Jackson 5 when I meant to play something else. It packed the dance floor.

* Colossally failing to incorporate the Thriller dance in to my show. Props to Jennifer Garner because it’s harder than it looks.

* Listening to my friend Dave hit the “Whooo!” in Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough every time we go to the bar. Garage doors open when he does this.

Thank you for everything Michael.

The Cat Days of Summer

June 24th, 2009

This has been a pleasantly cool summer. Some have complained it has been too cool, but I have not. There is this thing called sleep. I like to do it every night and even occasional afternoons when my busy schedule allows. Sleep is hard to come by when your room is a sauna. So bring on another Canadian cold front! Sadly this week the weather whiners got their wish:

Summer can bite me

Technically I have central air, but it hasn’t worked since the day I moved in. A room AC is also out because my windows slide open vertically. I suppose I could turn one sideways, but that’s a $200 experiment I’m not ready for. Instead I went to Ye Old Wallmart to find an alternative. The solution was the Pelonis Evaporative Cooling Fan.

The cats were very helpful with the assembly:

Cool Jack

For only $80 this fan delivers the refreshing breeze of a dying air conditioner. On the plus side it is really loud. Now instead of pretending not to hear people in the other room, I can sincerely say, “Sorry, didn’t hear you over the hurricane rush of lukewarm air.”

Is it December yet?

Mr. Baby Cat and His Evil Twin

May 29th, 2009

Mr. Baby Cat and his evil twin

Reason #1,342 why I shouldn’t be allowed to own a house

May 25th, 2009

The manly thing to do on Memorial Day is a “project”. My house just so happens to need a gazillion projects, none of which I’m qualified to do. I was feeling manly though, so I decided to fix my gutters. There is a tiny crack which may be resulting in some tiny basement flooding. It gives the walls a nice tropical rainforest look, but I imagine the mold and mildew might become a health hazard.

I went to the hardware store and bought some caulk. I had the utmost confidence in my ability to use it, but when I got home I read the directions, just to be safe. “Step 1: Insert canister in caulk gun.” Caulk gun? What the hell is a caulk gun?? I’m trying to fix a crack, not whack it! I thought you just squeezed the tube like it was tooth paste. I don’t want a gun, I want the Colgate pump.

Man it’s hard to be manly.