Archive for January, 2010

The Little TV

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Once upon a time there was a little TV.  Well, actually he wasn’t that little.  He was in fact a 42″ widescreen and while not the largest TV in the store still had a ginormous beautiful LCD screen.  But he was lonely.  All day he sat on a shelf, dreaming of the day he could make a family happy.  He fantasized about making children laugh with two foot hamsters, fans cheer with High Definition NFL action and husbands sit through ultra crisp Blue Ray chick flicks.

The other TV’s in the store told him he was crazy.  There was a recession and no one had money for fancy TV’s.  The Little TV refused to listen, but as the days went on, it seemed they were right.  Then one day, just when the Little TV had almost given up hope, a family entered the store.  They told the sales girl what they were looking for, and she pointed to the Little TV.  They smiled and said “We’ll take it!”

The next week was the happiest of the Little TV’s life, displaying football, and chick flicks and hamsters.  He delighted in making the family’s two little boys giggle with joy.  The older boy held his arms wide and claimed he could never go back to watching a small TV because he “needed to see the WHOLE show!”  The Little TV would have shed a tear if only TV’s could cry.

The Little TV was very content and everything seemed perfect.  But then the boy’s parents discovered an ad from the store boasting a TV with all the same features for a hundred dollars less.  “That sounds like a good deal to me.” said the boys’ father.  He called his awesome brother Steve who came over and helped take the Little TV back to the store.  After standing in multiple lines and talking to several employees, they exchanged the Little TV for the cheaper TV.

The store employees took the Little TV and placed him on the display shelf.  No one ever buys the display TV and the Little TV was devastated.  He missed the little boys terribly.  He knew he would never find a family so perfect again.  Several hours passed and he fell in to a deep dispair.

Just when all hope seemed lost, the father of the boys and his awesome brother walked in to the store.  The father was very red in the face uttering words never used on the boys’ TV shows.  As it turned out, the cheaper TV “with the same specs” was not at all the same.  It had inferior picture quality and a shaky DVD frame rate.  The father asked the sales girl what could be done.  She pointed to the Little TV.  He grumbled and said “We’ll take it.”

And they all lived happily ever after.

Pig heads and other fond Hawkeye memories

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

In honor of this year’s Orange Bowl, here are the highlights of my time working for ABC Sports covering Iowa Hawkeye Football:

* Eating cold pizza in the break room with Lynn Swan.

* Holding the parab mike on the sidelines, standing next to Big Ten linemen and realizing just how short I really am.

* Having my head almost taken off by our kicker’s practice kick into the net.  The ball bounces back like a shotgun.

* Having my legs almost taken off by our running back.  Keep it in bounds man!

* Listening to Keith Jackson grumble how awful Iowa was during commercial break.

* Getting yelled at by a foreman for trying to help with a carpenter’s job.  Unions suck.

* Getting encouraged to eat bagels  in the break room so we would all get $25/hr overtime.  Unions rule!

* Meeting Bob Griese and having no clue who he was.  Went undefeated, really?

* Meeting Joey, technical director of Monday Night Football and head of the Mafia (except for the Mafia part)

* Trying to identify the object the student section just threw in front of me.  Not every day you see a skinned severed pig’s head.

* Spending a beautiful sunny birthday on the thirty yard line, and getting paid lots of money to do it.

Good times.  Go Hawks!