While I am very excited to see Star Trek on Imax next week, I have some reservations. JJ Abrams claims he was more of a Star Wars fan than a Star Trek fan growing up. This makes me more than a little nervous. I love Star Wars and I love Star Trek, but mixing them together could have disastrous consequences. A couple years back I drafted a reference guide to keep these beloved franchises separate. Please print it out and keep it with you at all times:
STAR TREK: Hero is Captain Kirk, an Iowa farmboy who wants to have sex with every alien in the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Hero is Luke Skywalker, a Tattoine farmboy who wants to have sex with his sister.
STAR WARS: Chewbacca played by Peter Mayhew, covered with fake hair
STAR TREK: Captain Kirk played by William Shatner, also covered with fake hair.
STAR TREK: Technology can solve any problem from hangnails to ruptures in the space/time continuum.
STAR WARS: Technology no match for a bunch of pissed off fury midgets.
STAR TREK: Android is Mr. Data who can do millions of computations per second but can’t use contractions in a sentence.
STAR WARS: Android is C-3PO who can speak over six million different languages, but can’t straighten his arms.
STAR WARS: Luke uses The Force to save the galaxy.
STAR TREK: Kirk uses Priceline.com to save hundreds on hotels and airfare.
STAR TREK: Kirk gets advice from Spock, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Leonard Nimoy.
STAR WARS: Luke gets advice from Yoda, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Kermit the Frog.
STAR TREK: Villains are the Borg, a race of automatons who aim to assimilate the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Villains are the Stormtroopers, a race of automatons who can’t aim at the broadside of a barn.
STAR WARS: Biggest fans are geeks like me with no social life.
STAR TREK: Ok, no real difference there.
Hopefully that clears things up. May the Force help you live long and prosper.