Archive for May, 2009

Mr. Baby Cat and His Evil Twin

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Mr. Baby Cat and his evil twin

Reason #1,342 why I shouldn’t be allowed to own a house

Monday, May 25th, 2009

The manly thing to do on Memorial Day is a “project”. My house just so happens to need a gazillion projects, none of which I’m qualified to do. I was feeling manly though, so I decided to fix my gutters. There is a tiny crack which may be resulting in some tiny basement flooding. It gives the walls a nice tropical rainforest look, but I imagine the mold and mildew might become a health hazard.

I went to the hardware store and bought some caulk. I had the utmost confidence in my ability to use it, but when I got home I read the directions, just to be safe. “Step 1: Insert canister in caulk gun.” Caulk gun? What the hell is a caulk gun?? I’m trying to fix a crack, not whack it! I thought you just squeezed the tube like it was tooth paste. I don’t want a gun, I want the Colgate pump.

Man it’s hard to be manly.

Star Trek vs Star Wars

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

While I am very excited to see Star Trek on Imax next week, I have some reservations. JJ Abrams claims he was more of a Star Wars fan than a Star Trek fan growing up. This makes me more than a little nervous. I love Star Wars and I love Star Trek, but mixing them together could have disastrous consequences. A couple years back I drafted a reference guide to keep these beloved franchises separate. Please print it out and keep it with you at all times:

STAR TREK: Hero is Captain Kirk, an Iowa farmboy who wants to have sex with every alien in the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Hero is Luke Skywalker, a Tattoine farmboy who wants to have sex with his sister.

STAR WARS: Chewbacca played by Peter Mayhew, covered with fake hair
STAR TREK: Captain Kirk played by William Shatner, also covered with fake hair.

STAR TREK: Technology can solve any problem from hangnails to ruptures in the space/time continuum.
STAR WARS: Technology no match for a bunch of pissed off fury midgets.

STAR TREK: Android is Mr. Data who can do millions of computations per second but can’t use contractions in a sentence.
STAR WARS: Android is C-3PO who can speak over six million different languages, but can’t straighten his arms.

STAR WARS: Luke uses The Force to save the galaxy.
STAR TREK: Kirk uses Priceline.com to save hundreds on hotels and airfare.

STAR TREK: Kirk gets advice from Spock, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Leonard Nimoy.
STAR WARS: Luke gets advice from Yoda, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Kermit the Frog.

STAR TREK: Villains are the Borg, a race of automatons who aim to assimilate the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Villains are the Stormtroopers, a race of automatons who can’t aim at the broadside of a barn.

STAR WARS: Biggest fans are geeks like me with no social life.
STAR TREK: Ok, no real difference there.

Hopefully that clears things up. May the Force help you live long and prosper.

Stop purring at my toes!

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

I have the toenails of a crusty old pirate. Just covered in barnacles. Today after grinding them down with a hacksaw, I decided they needed some freshening up. Girlfriend had mentioned that Vick’s Vapor Rub can help. True you need to do it consistently for 300 days straight, but I figured anything was better than nothing. I smeared some rub on the barnacles then put on my socks.

I was assaulted almost instantly by Biscuit. He nuzzled his way into my foot purring loudly. I may as well have danced in catnip. He started licking my toes happily. It was a weird but not unpleasant sensation. I probably would have let him lick the barnacles clean off, but I suspected vapor rub was not kitty friendly. I banished him from the room and aired out my soggy sock.

Let me know if you have any toenail care tips that are cat compliant.

Biscuit's dead mole impression

Muffin Booty

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009

Muffin Booty