The manly thing to do on Memorial Day is a “project”. My house just so happens to need a gazillion projects, none of which I’m qualified to do. I was feeling manly though, so I decided to fix my gutters. There is a tiny crack which may be resulting in some tiny basement flooding. It gives the walls a nice tropical rainforest look, but I imagine the mold and mildew might become a health hazard.

I went to the hardware store and bought some caulk. I had the utmost confidence in my ability to use it, but when I got home I read the directions, just to be safe. “Step 1: Insert canister in caulk gun.” Caulk gun? What the hell is a caulk gun?? I’m trying to fix a crack, not whack it! I thought you just squeezed the tube like it was tooth paste. I don’t want a gun, I want the Colgate pump.

Man it’s hard to be manly.

While I am very excited to see Star Trek on Imax next week, I have some reservations. JJ Abrams claims he was more of a Star Wars fan than a Star Trek fan growing up. This makes me more than a little nervous. I love Star Wars and I love Star Trek, but mixing them together could have disastrous consequences. A couple years back I drafted a reference guide to keep these beloved franchises separate. Please print it out and keep it with you at all times:

STAR TREK: Hero is Captain Kirk, an Iowa farmboy who wants to have sex with every alien in the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Hero is Luke Skywalker, a Tattoine farmboy who wants to have sex with his sister.

STAR WARS: Chewbacca played by Peter Mayhew, covered with fake hair
STAR TREK: Captain Kirk played by William Shatner, also covered with fake hair.

STAR TREK: Technology can solve any problem from hangnails to ruptures in the space/time continuum.
STAR WARS: Technology no match for a bunch of pissed off fury midgets.

STAR TREK: Android is Mr. Data who can do millions of computations per second but can’t use contractions in a sentence.
STAR WARS: Android is C-3PO who can speak over six million different languages, but can’t straighten his arms.

STAR WARS: Luke uses The Force to save the galaxy.
STAR TREK: Kirk uses Priceline.com to save hundreds on hotels and airfare.

STAR TREK: Kirk gets advice from Spock, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Leonard Nimoy.
STAR WARS: Luke gets advice from Yoda, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Kermit the Frog.

STAR TREK: Villains are the Borg, a race of automatons who aim to assimilate the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Villains are the Stormtroopers, a race of automatons who can’t aim at the broadside of a barn.

STAR WARS: Biggest fans are geeks like me with no social life.
STAR TREK: Ok, no real difference there.

Hopefully that clears things up. May the Force help you live long and prosper.

I have the toenails of a crusty old pirate. Just covered in barnacles. Today after grinding them down with a hacksaw, I decided they needed some freshening up. Girlfriend had mentioned that Vick’s Vapor Rub can help. True you need to do it consistently for 300 days straight, but I figured anything was better than nothing. I smeared some rub on the barnacles then put on my socks.

I was assaulted almost instantly by Biscuit. He nuzzled his way into my foot purring loudly. I may as well have danced in catnip. He started licking my toes happily. It was a weird but not unpleasant sensation. I probably would have let him lick the barnacles clean off, but I suspected vapor rub was not kitty friendly. I banished him from the room and aired out my soggy sock.

Let me know if you have any toenail care tips that are cat compliant.