1992: Steve’s classmates talk about how fucked up they got the previous weekend and how fucked up they are going to get the next weekend. He foresees many of them will be lifelong employees of the local bowling alley. Steve avoids alcohol like the plague. While others party he stays home and plays Mega Man 3. His virginity remains intact.
1993: On Steve’s first night at the University of Iowa, he is shocked and dismayed to learn the number one social outlet for students is drinking. On a Big Ten campus, what are the odds??
1995: Steve moves in to an apartment with three guys who love to drink – Justin, whose German grandma served him beer for breakfast, Dave, who drinks Guinness for desert, and Sass, whose OCD compels him to down Rolling Rocks every night. While Steve loves them all, he quickly grows tired of babysitting them.
1996: Steve yells at drunk Sass for breaking the towel rack in the bathroom. Sass cries.
1997: Steve remains sober despite a massive Jerry Springer blowout resulting in the loss of all three of his friends.
1999: Steve’s new girlfriend tempts him with Cherry Pucker. He sips on it but feels nothing. Obviously drinking is overrated.
1999: Steve is dumped and his business fails. He decides to reverse his lifelong ban on alcohol.
2000: Steve’s friend Ryan monitors alcohol intake with carefully measured Rum and Cokes. However, Steve goes to a party without him and discovers Cuervo 151. He quickly learns what it feels like to be a lawn sprinkler.
2001: Steve and Sass meet up in Chicago and have a drink together for the first time ever. The hatchet is buried. I love you man.
2003: Steve gets back together with his girlfriend. They ditch the Pucker for Captain Morgan. Steve feels it this time. Drinking rules!
2004: Steve has ten Jagerbombs on his 30th birthday. Records are incomplete here. Something about stealing a pig shaped lighter, and a failed attempt to visit the casino.
2007: Steve does the equivalent of twenty vodka shots with his musclehead friends. He drops his pants and his friends shoot him in the butt with steroids.
2008: Steve tests low for testosterone. His doctor prescribes and monitors all steroid use. Not only does this add to his bench press record, it allows him to recover from hangovers faster. Steroids rule!
2009: Steve promises his parents he will never drink and drive and blog about it again.
Last night: Steve helps a friend celebrate her 29th birthday at a martini bar. Several dollars and brain cells are lost.
This morning: Steve swears off drinking forever. For at least a week.