RYAN: Pull the bar all the way to your forehead.
ME: Ok.
DONK!
ME: Ow.
The lump on my forehead from that unfortunate gym incident had more or less healed, so it was time to look for new ways to injure myself. That’s when I took Eric up on his offer of free skiing. Eric is a Detroit actor I met on the set of Raised Alone last fall. He sunlights as a ski instructor at Mt. Holly, and offered a free pass to any of his film contacts. So far as I know I am the only one to accept.
Though I used to ski every winter, it’s now been years since I’ve hit the hills. My friend Chris moved to Washington and my brother’s knee is 80 years old, so I have no one to go with. Still I’ve been doing it on and off for two decades, so I knew I would have to get creative on how to hurt myself. Eric came up with the perfect solution.
“Would you like to try snowboarding?” he asked.
Perfect! I had never snowboarded or even surfed or skateboarded for that matter. This was just the opportunity I was looking for. We went to the rental desk and checked out our boots. They asked for my drivers license as collateral, which proved to be unfortunate at a later point in life.
It took about twenty minutes to get my boots on as they were one size too small. I didn’t want to inconvenience Eric though, so I told him they fit fine. We then grabbed our boards and went out to the bunny hill. Eric admitted he had only been boarding for a year and wasn’t technically qualified to teach, but he did know the basics and walked me through.
We walked about ten feet up the hill and practiced some edging drills. I manged each drill with relative success, but putting them all together was a little more chewing gum than I could walk with. Still, when he asked if I was ready to try the tow rope, I said, “No problem!” I have used tow ropes skiing for years and didn’t think it would be a big deal. I leaned over and grabbed the rope.
WHUMP!
The snow was delicious.
I got up, leaned over and grabbed the rope again.
WHUMP!
Ok that one hurt a little.
After my second trip to the snow buffet, Eric asked I wanted to switch to skiing. I refused to admit defeat though, so he gave me some pointers. On my third attempt I kept my eyes up the hill and very gently squeezed the rope. It smoothly pulled me up the hill.
We got off about 1/3 up the hill, did a few more drills before boarding down. I made to the bottom of the hill with all the grace of a blindfolded giraffe. At this point my crunched toes were killing me, so I agreed to just one more run before moving on to skis. Eric agreed and told me he was going to the top of the hill. I assumed he meant we should both go.
When Eric reached the summit he turned around and was shocked to find me following him.
“STEVE GET OFF THE ROPE NOW!!!”
This annoyed me but I got off, about 2/3 up the hill. The harmless little bunny hill. On skis I go down the bunny hill backwards. Child’s play. Yet as my board picked up speed I began to see Eric’s point. Before I knew it I was flying and the bunny hill felt like Mt. Everest. I decided it was time to slow down so I employed the rear edge manuver.
The back edge of my board did slow me a little. However what really helped bring me to a complete stop was my tailbone smashing into the ground. Thank god I have something of a booty or I would have landed in the hospital. As it was all I suffered was a bruise that hasn’t quite healed after two weeks. Good to know if the breaks ever go out on my car, I have my ass to fall back on. Literally.
Eric and I switched to skiing after that. He gave me a couple pointers to correct twenty years of bad habits and the rest of the day was incident free. Almost.
When it came time to check in the rental equipment, they handed back my drivers license. However my hands were full of winter gear and gravity decided to pull one more fast one. I don’t remember dropping it, but apparently it fell into a black hole. I could not find it anywhere and when I called the lodge they had not recovered it.
It’s probably for the best though that I get a new license. I can report I am now an inch shorter thanks to the bunny hill.