“Right side of body feels cold.” I Googled. The results were not encouraging. Opinions on the medical forums ranged from “stroke” to “holy shit, go see a doctor now”. Sound advice, so I called my doc. The nurse said he had gone home for the day. I told her my right side had felt cold all day. She asked if I noticed any discoloration, but I couldn’t see any. She said to monitor my color and head for the ER if anything changed. “Hope you don’t die.” she said. Very comforting.
I spent the next couple hours huddled under blankets watching TV. I couldn’t shake the feeling that my right side was colder. I went to bathroom to check my skin color. However the lightbulbs in that bathroom don’t match. One is yellow light and the other is white, so I couldn’t gage my color.
I went to the other bathroom for more even light. Sure enough my right ear was darker than my left. I didn’t notice until the next day that the light bulbs in that bathroom don’t match either. Attention to detail is not my strong suit. Convinced I was having a major malfunction, I raced out of the house in a panic. I couldn’t die yet. I hadn’t finished watching Angel Season 5. I had goals.
I headed into ER and filled out some paperwork. They handed me a light up vibrating coaster like they use when your waiting for a table at Bennigans. I’ll take some CPR and a basket of mozzarella sticks please. It wasn’t long before the coaster vibrated, which didn’t surprise me. I was dying after all. I went up expecting to see the nurse.
Instead the secretary gave me more paperwork to fill out. I did and dejectedly went back to my chair. Ten minutes later the coaster went off and I finally saw a nurse. She took my vitals and then sent me back to the lobby. It was another twenty minutes before the coaster buzzed again. On the plus side, I was able to get in several hands of cell phone poker in my last half hour of life.
They stuck me in a room and had me put on a gown. Then a secretary came in and had me fill out more paperwork. Having a stroke is harder than taking the SAT. I went with the old standby and answered “C” for everything. A nurse came in, checked my vitals again and said the doctor would be right with me.
I sat on the table and waited. For an hour. I peeked out and asked the nurse what was going on. She said there was only one doctor on staff and he was dealing with a critical situation. Nevermind that I was at death’s door. And why only one doctor on a bar night? Didn’t they know rednecks were breaking bottles over each other’s heads just down the street?
I went back in my room and waited some more. I lied down on the table and considered dying just on principle. Finally the doctor came in. He checked my vitals again. “Well,” he said “not sure what to tell you. The upper and lower halves of the body are on different vascular systems, so that’s not it. It could be an issue with how your brain is perceiving temperature, but I doubt it.” I also voted against this option. With no real diagnosis, he said to follow up with my doctor the following week. He promised to get me discharged quickly.
And then I waited another half hour. A nurse came in, not to discharge me, but to take my vitals. By that point I was feeling pretty vital and eventually they let me go. I haven’t had any symptoms since and was able to perform a self diagnosis: I am crazy.
I do expect to have a stroke once I get the ER bill. I look forward to it actually. I have a lot of cell phone poker to catch up on.
