I was riding my big wheel down the highway, to the East Side to check up on a troubled kid I was sponsoring for some kind of life changing boot camp. I found him (he had an impressive curly mullet) giving everyone from the camp goodbye hugs. I asked him how it went. He didn’t seem interested in talking to me but said it went well. Someone called my name….
Then the alarm went off. Blarg. I knocked over the fan fumbling to make the bad noise go away. I stumbled out of bed and my girlfriend immediately rerouted me from the blue bathroom to the pink bathroom. Something about a leak. Plumbing issues maybe?
After slowly completing my morning beauty routine (striking an artery in my chin while shaving for good measure) I went to have breakfast. At least since I wasn’t having oatmeal, I thought I would be spared the Biscuit attacks. As it turns out, Biscuit really likes French Toast. I have the scratches to prove it.
French Toast was awesome, but I knew it wouldn’t hold me till lunch, so I decided to pack a nut bar. Put the bar and a protein drink in a bag. Then I remembered my car was parked on the street and would require warming up.
I put my half eaten breakfast in the microwave, and went outside to start the car. Once the engine was running, I started to head back to the house. I looked up and saw a giant snowplow heading down the road.
I froze like a deer while my brain struggled to comprehend how the plow was going to get turned around…. the cul-de-sac. Car is parked in the cul-de-sac. Big plow going through the cul-de-sac. Come on man, think! Car. Plow. Plow. Car. Plowing…the car…OH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO PLOW MY CAR!!
Just as the the plow entered the cul-de-sac, I turned around, slip slided down the driveway, dove in my car, peeled off the side of the road and flew in to the driveway. Indiana Jones would have been so proud. I got out just in time to see the massive plow scrape the road where the car had been parked just seconds before. The truck driver honked his horn in thanks. I smiled and waved back. Hey no problem, any time. Asshole.
Now completely rattled and running late, I went inside, quickly finished up my French Toast, and left. My lunch bag decided to stay home and chill on the kitchen table. I didn’t notice this until I was a few miles out. Awesome.
The roads were just bad enough to turn people into complete retards. I was cut off several times by people who failed to notice all the cars stuck in ditches along the way. This along with everything else stressed me out. Then the fact that I was getting stressed by such little things stressed me out. If I sweat the small stuff how am I ever going to handle the ginormous obstacles heading my way in a few months?
When I arrived at work, everyone was congratulating my back up Jennifer on getting an interview for another job at Dow. I said “No!!”. Selfish I know. I want her to do well but I can’t relate the level of suck I will have if she leaves. To add to that, she said that Vonnie was meeting with her doctor this morning to implement Operation Stress Leave. Little baby. Yes, it’s unfair she’s getting dumped on, but that doesn’t give her the right to take it out on us.
As I was almost finished writing this, Dildar asked me to go for a walk so she could excitedly tell me how four hiring managers called her today demanding she interview for them. So in about a month I am going to be all alone and probably covering six desks. I can feel my back tightening.
Just realized I still have toilet paper on my face. I peeled it off and immediately starting hemorrhaging. Toilet paper has been replaced with kleenex. That’s more professional looking anyway.
God I wish drinking on the job was socially acceptable.
Well time to start my Monday now.
