Let’s recap my medical milestones this year:
* Unaligned back with nauseating spasms
* Trip to the emergency room for constipation after two failed enemas
* Peptic ulcer (unconfirmed) - symptoms more likely caused by drinking half a bottle of 99 Berries to alleviate nauseating back spasms. Could this maybe have also been the catalyst for the crippling constipation, I wonder?
* Psoriasis of the wiener (or in medical terminology the “tallywacker”)
Which leads me to my two best friends and I am not referring to our new kittens. I most definitely will not be naming them Muffin and Biscuit.
A couple months ago I began experiencing a pulsing pain in the nethers, especially during…certain activities. Not bad, just enough discomfort to know something was not right which in turn was just enough to set off waves of heart racing panic. OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO LOSE MY BALLS, WHY GOD WHY???
I retained enough composure to determine I needed a doctor immediately. But who? My family doctor retired years ago and besides when it comes to your nuts, you don’t fuck around. Well, ok, I guess you do. That is after all what they are there for. But what I am saying is when they are jacked, you need a specialist.
I decided to call my hernia surgeon, Dr. Wolfe. Yeah, the Wolfe Man! He always tells it to me straight and if anyone can fix this he can. I looked him up and dialed his number. A recording stated the number had been disconnected and forwarded to another number. Not encouraging. I dialed the new number. It was a doctor’s office but they had never heard of him.
I have concluded that Dr. Wolfe, who was pushing 70 when last I saw him a couple years ago was now (A) Retired or (B) Dead, either of which would make evaluating my balls difficult. Especially option (A).
Back to the drawing board. I went to the phone book, looked up urologists and picked a doctor that was close with a last name I could pronounce. Sort of. Oseterlinginlager or something like like that. They booked me quickly and the following week I paid a visit.
Dr. “O” was a friendly but awkward and a little odd. I do believe the best word to describe him would be “nerd”. The thick glasses didn’t help either. Being a geek myself, I did not have a problem with this. I firmly believe in a world where nerds and geeks can peacefully co-exist.
I told him my issues and he said the best thing to do was an ultrasound. He had be drop my drawers and lie on my back. Then he pulled out what looked like a corded dildo, wrapped it with a condom and smeared it with jelly.
Would “alarmed” be the right word here? Yes. Definitely alarmed.