Archive for October, 2006

Indiana Dork

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006

Employees working in my building = 450
Employees dressed up for Halloween = 1

Awesome

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Girlfriend: “So…do you want another kitten?”

Saturday, October 28th, 2006

Absolutely no. No. No! NO! We can’t keep up with the litter as it is. No. Too messy. No. Not enough room for three cats. No, no, no!!

So he moved in this week. Very cute. Likes to chew. Everything.

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My cat needs therapy

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Actually I fear Pumpkin is the one who is going to take out a personal ad. Last night she was very needy, rubbing against my leg, the wall, the chair and pretty much everything else. Every time I shut her out of the office, she would go in to the living room and start caterwauling. She is obviously in heat. Only problem is I had her fixed last year. Crazyass cat.

WANTED – NEW OWNER

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

Adorable six month old black kitten seeks patient, loving owner. Must have overwhelming need to clean bedding and flooring. Litter box is optional. Close proximity to laundromat a plus. Must have interesting nooks and crannies to explore such as dishwashers and refridgerators. Must also enjoy cat butt in the face while attempting to play videogames or watch movies. Neosporin recommended, as “play” scratches may be frequent. Call now!! – Jack

DJ Chuck

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

Ryan has had his share of bumps this summer. Usually if we have an unhappy bride, we may hear about it on the review a couple weeks later. Ryan however got to hear it straight from bridezilla’s mouth – only five minutes in to the job. Her exact words: “I hate you.” Kinda tough to bounce back from that one. All Ryan could do is keep the dance going and give the bride a chance to cool down. A little while later she did in fact apologize. “I’m sorry.” she said, “I was just very upset that you ruined the night.” The reason the night had been “ruined” was that Ryan had played 3 seconds of the wrong song for the bridal dance. Nevermind that he been handed a CD with no label and vague instructions on what song they wanted.

That was a cakewalk though compared to his job the following week. That night I was also working and sent him a text message. I thought he would be interested to know my groomsmen were wearing camouflage vests (classy – but what do expect when the reception is being held at a bowling alley?) He wrote back “That’s nothing compared to my night.” He told me what happened. I responded: “What? For real??”

Earlier that day, he woke up sweating. He quickly became aware of an urgent need to visit the bathroom. There he stayed for the rest of the miserable morning, emptying the contents of his body out both ends. He finally managed to get things under control and get in a nap. When he got up he felt a little better and headed out to his job.

Ironically at this point his stomach was rumbling, demanding he replace what he had worked so hard to remove that morning. Thinking he had recovered enough (5 hour viruses are pretty common right?) he took a trip through the buffet line. Mashed potatoes, carrots, green beans, chicken – he ate it all.

The dance was about to begin when his stomach did an about face. And a somersault. And a backflip. The bride asked him if he could get started. He told her he just to make a couple adjustments to the speakers first. This was sort of true if you actually cared what the acoustics were like in the bathroom. But first he had to make it to the bathroom.

He took off running in to the hallway. It was crammed with kids goofing off. He hurdled, juked, spun and dived to the men’s room door. He had one hand firmly planted on his mouth. Making it to the toilet was unrealistic, but maybe, just maybe, he could make it to the sink. He opened the door only to find a large man in his way. The man saw Ryan but failed to register what was going on. Instead of getting out of the way, he actually walked in to him. Ryan managed to turn his head a little, but still ended up puking all down the man’s leg and shoe.

I never did hear how the man reacted or if the bride ever found out. I do know that he did manage to finish the night, although several long slow songs were played accompanied by trips to the bathroom. Everything that didn’t come out his mouth was still going to find a way to escape.

Afterwords he called to tell me the story. I agreed that was the worst thing I’ve ever heard and suggested he go home and get to bed. He said he would just as soon as he finished eating his Taco Bell. He confidently believed eating the greasy food his stomach was used to would be the cure.

I could only hope his wife had no plans to use the bathroom when he got home.

Other bumps

Monday, October 16th, 2006

Last Saturday I successfully pulled off my probably last wedding reception of the season. It has been without out a doubt the most emotional up and down summer I have ever had as DJ. However I was not the only one to endure challenges this year…

A couple months back I was playing at a hall where multiple receptions were being held. Two rooms over, my agent’s son Cory was running his show. Or not running it to be more exact. We spoke briefly at the begininng of the night before things got underway. My job went awesome with help from an 82 year old guy named Pete who danced to everything, including the Cha-Cha Slide. It was just great and completely stress free. When the party was over I packed up, then went over to see how Cory’s night had gone.

The room, which earlier had been decked to the nines beautifully now looked like Pamplona after the running of the bulls. The hall staff had a dazed look, somewhere between denial and distress. The floor was sticky – not uncommon after a rowdy party, but it was also…crunchy?

I crunched over to Cory who was breaking down his show. There was blood on his hands. “I don’t even know who’s blood this is.” he said.

At this point I naturally had to ask: “What the fuck happened here??”

One rule you learn very quickly as a DJ is no drinks allowed on the dance floor. When you mix liquid and glass and gravity with drunk dancers it makes a spectacular recipe for disaster. Cory certainly knew this and announced it several times, but was completely ignored by his young twenties party crowd. They weren’t going to let something unimportant like safety stand in their way of good time. The bride even yelled at Cory for having the nerve to consider her guests well being.

So sure enough the glasses began to fall and break. The floor became slippery causing more people to drop their glasses – over thirty of them, estimated the hall coordinator. It did not take long before the dance floor was coated with alcohol and broken glass.

I’m no expert, but even I know comfort isn’t top priority when designing ladies formal foot-ware. It’s pretty typical for the heels to come off the minute the music starts pumping. This night was no exception. Also, despite several gallons of spilled alcohol, a good deal of it was still ingested by these divas. Interestingly this had a numbing effect on the girls feet. Oblivious to the broken glass, they danced and danced untill they had nothing left but bloody stumps.

Ok, that may be a slight exaggeration, but it’s safe to say those girls would not be walking normal any time soon. That was little consolation though to Cory and the hall staff. As the waiters began the monumental task of cleaning up, Cory attempted to drain the beer that had been poured in to his speakers.

To his credit though he was able to positive spin on the night. Looking up with a smile he said: “That really sucked.”

Coming soon – Ryan makes a new friend in the men’s room.

Jack celebrates Friday the 13th

Friday, October 13th, 2006

Today doesn’t scare me. I have a black cat cross my path 557 times a day…

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