Another exciting summer of chicken dances, bridezillas, momzillas, sparking equipment, drunken debauchery and horny ducks has arrived!
Despite all its quirks, last summer went very smooth. I am really hoping for a repeat this year,
First wedding: My entire audience was Chinese and had no interest in dancing. The bride and groom did however have a true love for horrifically bad alternative music and made me play a stack of godawful CD’s for background music. My sincere thanks to the waiter who slipped rum in my coke.
First prom: Pro-abortion activists should take this school on tour. I have never played for a group of more spoiled, obnoxious, vulgar, brat little fuckers than these kids. I played radio friendly edits of all their hip-hop favorites, but they inserted the swear words at the top of their whiny lungs. They wanted to continue this trend with Mony Mony. Although technically clean, it’s alternative lyrics “Hey everybody, get laid, get fucked” were their top goal of the night. They even made it their class song. However, the teacher who hired me had specifically warned that I not play it.
So I told them no. They were a little stunned at first. I think one of them had to run out and get a dictionary to look the word up. They regrouped quickly though and the barrage of requests began. I told them no in person. I told them no over the microphone. I told them no even when one of them actually put me in a headlock. The only thing that saved his life was the law.
Clearly a new plan of attack was needed. The class president approached me and asked to give a “toast” to the school. Nevermind that no one had any glasses to toast with. I told him I didn’t trust him, but against my better judgement I gave him the mic with a warning that I would cut him off at the first sign of stupidity. He got on the mic and started to ramble about congrats to the baseball team, and everybody be safe tonight and blah blah blah – clearly stalling. At that point one of his cohorts bust in to the room with a tiny boombox raised above his head, triuphantly crying “Yeah!” The entire school flocked to his corner gearing up to revel in their victory.
It was short lived.
What they didn’t know is that last summer Ryan had equiped my show with speakers capable of lifting a 747 off the ground. I smiled, said “Mine’s louder”, and blasted Redneck Woman at an ear shattering volume. Several bewildered students came up and asked if I could turn it down. Um…no. Eventually they had no choice but to take their little radio in to the hallway to play their little song. The room emptied out and I was alone. It was the best three minutes of the entire night.
Second prom: This was for my adopted Alma Matter Montabella High. These kids are the antithesis, night and day polar opposites of the afore mentioned monsters from the last school. They are respectful, love all types of music and can dance even better than me. After the nightmare the week before, I was truly looking forward to just having fun with this group. Unfortunately we were sabotaged by logistics. They had the photographer set up right next to the dance floor. I was unable to use my lights because it would trigger their sensitive equipment. So we waited for two hours to finish pictures. When it was all said and done they had about a 90 minute prom. We did have fun though.
Coming soon: This weekend I have a middle school dance and my first true wedding reception of the summer – complete with chicken dance. I am actually more worried about the middle school. Not because of the students – sure middle schoolers have the attention span of fleas but they are easy enough to manage.
No, what concerns me is the new administrative staff running the school. For the record, I swear I am not making this up. My agent called their office to request they send in the contract. The lady replied, “Oh, I’m sorry. I meant to send it to you, but I faxed it to KFC instead.” ….. wtf?? If you figure out the connection please let me know. She also said was going to mail in a check for the balance due. Right. It’s a safe bet I am going to paid $200 in gift certificates for popcorn chicken.
And so the summer begins….