Archive for April, 2006

Jack would be proud

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

The wedding season has almost arrived so I promise I will once again be posting at least once a month with my riveting tales from a DJ. (My first should be exceptionally thrilling as they have requested no dancing, just background music – six hours of background music, woo!). In the meantime, I will enthrall with tales from the juicer.

I got a juicer machine for my birthday. Well, actually it was my girlfriend’s birthday, but same difference. Yes it’s kind of lame to get other people presents for your self, but she did want one. It’s not like I got her a Xbox360 or season tickets to the Pistons (saving those for next year.)

This isn’t just any juicer though. It’s the Jack LaLanne juicer. Jack has been perfecting juicing since the late 1800′s. It has paid off for him too. Despite being well over 120 years old, he can still bench press me with one arm. So from here on out it’s “WWJD”. At least in the morning anyway – I can’t exactly take the juicer with me to Taco Bell. Can you imagine how long the extension cord would have to be?

At any rate I am now starting the day off right. I begin every drink with at least two carrots. Sometimes I add two more carrots and call it good. I really dig carrot juice. My girlfriend thinks I am crazy and fears I will soon turn orange. However I am vampire white to begin with so ultimately I will end up with the creamy complexion of a Orange Julius or maybe a push-up.

I do branch out now and then though. Jack was nice enough to include a recipe book, which included a drink called the clean sweep. In addition to carrots I threw in a beet, a tomato, half a cucumber, a stalk of celery, and an apple. If this sounds disgusting, that’s only because it is. The main thing I learned is to wipe down the beet better. If not you will basically be drinking dirt. I am here to tell you though, that sucker sure does cleanse the colon!

Less hardcore, I will usually add an apple or an orange to my two carrots, for healthy balance of vitamins, minerals, nutrients, protons and medicholrians. The tastiest drink by far has been two carrots and a pear – just awesome goodness.

Lately though there have been a lot of sick people at work, so today I decided do a vitamin C megaboost: two carrots, an orange, a lemon and a lime. I was a little scared to drink it, but it wasn’t bad. It was like lemonade really. Lemonade that makes you cry. If you own an old car, the next time it rains, pop the hood, get the battery nice and soaked then take a glass, catch the runoff from the corrosion and gargle it. That was pretty much it.

By the time I made it to work I had to pee real bad, and I actually pissed a hole clean through the urinal. The other weird thing about drinking citric acid is it activates your salivary glands. It’s only a matter of time before my boss wonders why I am drooling all over my TPS reports. Hopefully I get sent home. It will finally give me a chance to experiment with broccoli and jalapeƱos.