Archive for December, 2005

Season’s Greetings!

Friday, December 23rd, 2005

Within minutes of each other I received two emails on this subject. One was a copy of an editorial written by a “Christian” ranting about putting Christ back in Christmas, and how “immigrants” should adapt to the “American way of life” (read “facist redneck bible beating”)

The second was a copy of a girl’s journal entry responding the “Put Christ back in Christmas” crowd pointing out that 99% of the Christmas traditions they celebrate are of pagan origin, and how Jesus (who was Jewish) would be lighting the menorah this time of year.

Really I just want everyone to just chill out about the whole thing. If you are a non-Christian and someone wishes you Merry Christmas, then don’t get offended – it’s fucking Christmas! By the same token, the “Christian” zealots need to accept that they aren’t more important than others simply wishing “Happy Holidays”. I am so sick of their “Us vs Them” mentality, taking one man’s message of love and foregiveness and twisting it into one of hate and intolerance.

So I just want to take this time wish eveyone a Merry and Safe Boxing Day!

A long time ago…I used to post in LJ

Friday, December 9th, 2005

Certain parents have complained that I haven’t written in months. Sorry the last couple months have been a bit overwhelming. I did write a short story today for a co-worker – next week we are doing Secret Santa, and I drew my French Canadian comrad Gabe. His info sheet says he likes Sci-fi novels. A lot of it is inside jokes,

Across the blackness of space, raced Gabe Starwalker’s mighty ship, Le Canard. On the command deck, his highly skilled team of space cadets strategically planned their next move.

“I don’t know.” Pondered Lt. Dean LaForghe, “that’s a pretty big decision. If I were a betting man though, I would push the blue button.”

“The blue button?” said Commander Steve Sleepwalker. “Are you kidding? It’s obviously the red button!”

“Are you sure?” asked LaForghe.

“Positive.” Replied Sleepwalker.

“Well, lets flip a coin just to be safe.” Said LaForghe. “Heads it’s blue, tails it’s red.” He tossed a penny and caught it. “Hmm, it’s tails. Guess you were right.”

“Ok, pushing the red button!” said Sleepwalker.

“WAIT!” exclaimed Captain Gabe Starwalker, “Do either of you even know what those buttons do?”

“Um…No.” they said.

“That’s what I thought!” said Starwalker, “You are not allowed to push either the red or the blue button until you a have a full in depth understanding of their functions.”

“Ok,” said LaForghe, “what do we do in the meantime?”

“Push that green button and hope for the best.” Ordered Starwalker.

Sleepwalker reached out to push the green button (which unbeknownst to them would have converted the ship into a giant whale), when suddenly everything began to shake.

“What’s going on?” asked Starwalker.

“Sir, we’re under attack!” said LaForghe.

“Fire all photon torpedoes now!” barked Starwalker.

“But sir we can’t!” replied LaForghe “We’re all out of photon torpedoes.”

“How can that be?” asked Starwalker, “We ordered more over a month ago. Hail Torpedoes R Us immediately and find out where our shipment is.”

LaForge dialed in their frequency, “Yes, hello. This is Lt. Dean LaForghe of the mighty Le Canard. I was calling to track a shipment….my purchase order number? Um hold on I have it…somewhere….ah yes, here it is, po# 13GAMMA45ZETA 49XTETAEPSILON 95…release 2. Uh huh…I see…no…no we didn’t….Really? Well ok then, bye.”

The shipped rocked violently with another blast from the mysterious attacker.

“What did they say?” asked Starwalker.

“They said we’re on credit hold.” replied LaForghe, “something about being 245 days past due.”

“Oh great.” Said Starwalker. Suddenly a red light began flashing. “What does that mean?”

“I’m not sure,” said Sleepwalker, “but I think I read in the manual somewhere that the red flashing light signals it’s time for coffee break.”

“Works for me.” Said Starwalker, “Everyone to the break room on the double!”

* * *

Captain Starwalker sat comfortably while sipping his hot drink. The ship continued to shake as laser blasts pummeled the hull.

“Um sir?” asked Lt. LaForghe, “shouldn’t we be doing something right now?”

“We are doing something right now.” Replied Starwalker, “We’re drinking tasty cappuccinos. C’est bon, eh?”

Suddenly, there was a loud thud.

“What was that?” asked Starkiller.

“Sir, I think we’ve been boarded!” said LaForghe.

“Oh no,” said Starwalker, “could it be my old nemesis, the one and only…

“DARTH JARVIS!” exclaimed LaForghe and Sleepwalker.

A battalion of starship troopers secured the break room as Darth Jarvis calmly surveyed the scene. “Ah Captain Captain Gabriel Starwalker, my old rival. I believe it’s time you turned over those secret plans.”

“Never, Darth Jarvis!” he said, “I don’t care if you are the mother of my brother’s neighbor’s cousin’s…no wait was it neighbor’s brother’s cousin…cousin’s brother’s neighbor’s uncle…I could never keep that straight.”

“Enough!” said Darth Jarvis. “I will now unleash my powers forcing your crew to reveal the whereabouts of the secret plans.”

“Hah!” said Starkiller, “Do your worst. “My crew has sworn an oath of loyalty that binds them closer than friendship or family. This bond cannot be broken by bribery or torture or the very boundaries of time and space.”

“I brought cookies.” Said Darth Jarvis.

“Count me in!” said Steve Sleepwalker.

“Me too!” said Lt. LaForghe.

They ripped open the tin of treats and began to munch.

“Guys?” asked Starwalker, “Aren’t you with me?”

“Sorry sir, can’t.” said LaForghe, “You should come over to the dark side. It’s really tasty!”

“and now” said Darth Jarvis, “you will tell me where your secret plans are hidden.”

“Don’t do it!” cried Starwalker, “the fate of the galaxy depends on your resistance! Don’t tell her the plans are in the glove…”

“The glove?” she asked.

“Nevermind.” He replied quickly.

“What did you mean by that?” she asked.

“I’ll never tell you.” He said.

Sleepwaker reached out for another cookie. Darth Jarvis snapped the tin shut.

“What did he mean by the glove?” she asked him.

“They’re in the glove compartment on the main bridge.” Sleepwalker said. “Go down the hall to the turbo shaft, up three decks, down the hall, it will be the third door on the right.”

Starwalker slapped his forehead.

“Sorry boss,” said Sleepwalker, “resistance is futile.”

“Say that reminds me,” said LaForghe, “if we’re not on the bridge right now, who is steering the ship?”

* * *
The wreckage of the mighty Le Canard lay strewn across a frozen wasteland. Slowly three figure emerged from the smoking rubble.

“Whoah!” said Sleepwalker, “That was our best landing yet!”

“The plans!” said Starwalker, “Where are the plans? And where is Darth Jarvis?”

“Sorry sir.” Said LaForghe, “It’s looks like she’s stolen them.”

“Ok, we’re not going to panic.” Said Starwalker, “First order of business is to find out where we are.”

“Hey look, there’s a sign.” Said Sleepwalker, “It’s a primitive language, but I think I can make out the letters…H…O…T…”

“Hoth! I knew it!” said Starwalker, “We’ll have to feed one of you to the snow monster when he attacks.”

“Wait there’s more.” Said Sleepwalker. He brushed snow off the sign “E…L…Hotel…750 Kilometers.”

“What does that say on top?” asked LaForghe.

“Wel..come…to…Can..a…da.” Sleepwalker read.

“Canada?” said Starwalker, “What a desolate place! Well, I claim it in the name of the queen anyway. And now gentleman, lets get moving – we haven’t a minute to spare in recovering the secret plans!”

“Do we have time for coffee?” asked LaForghe.

“Good idea. To the coffee!” ordered Captain Starwalker.