Archive for May, 2005

Ah, the things not said for fear of getting Dooced.

Thursday, May 26th, 2005

Dear Mr. Corporate Guy,
You have done a good job creating a soulless life-draining work environment. But I was wondering, would there be any way to promote a more trapped helpless feeling of isolation?
Thanks!
Peon #370899

Dear Peon #380799
Great question! In fact today is your lucky day! If we xxxxx x xxxxx xxxxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx, xxxx x xxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx at 5pm a virtual impossibility, how would that work for you?
Sincerely,
Mr. Corporate Guy’s secretary

Spam of the Day

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

“SPECTACULAR LADY HORSE ACTION!”

Oh look at the lady horse eat the luscious green grass. Watch her ravage an entire bail of hay. Spy on her through our stablecam as her trainer brushes her down with long slow strokes…

Get your apples out of my oranges!

Thursday, May 12th, 2005

Recently, I notified my backup at work that I would be taking off Star Wars Thursday to watch it several times. I was horrified when she responded; “Oh no, you’re a Trekkie.” Now I love Star Trek and I love Star Wars, but to lump them together like that is blasphemy. I realize though that this tragedy happens far too often. So to help determine the subtle nuances that differentiate the two, I have prepared the following guide.

STAR TREK: Hero is Captain Kirk, an Iowa farmboy who wants to have sex with every alien in the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Hero is Luke Skywalker, a Tattoine farmboy who wants to have sex with his sister.

STAR WARS: Chewbacca played by Peter Mayhew, covered with fake hair
STAR TREK: Captain Kirk played by William Shatner, also covered with fake hair.

STAR TREK: Technology can solve any problem from hangnails to ruptures in the space/time continuum.
STAR WARS: Technology no match for a bunch of pissed off fury midgets.

STAR TREK: Android is Mr. Data who can do millions of computations per second but can’t use contractions in a sentence.
STAR WARS: Android is C-3PO who can speak over six million different languages, but can’t straighten his arms.

STAR WARS: Luke uses The Force to save the galaxy.
STAR TREK: Kirk uses Priceline.com to save hundreds on hotels and airfare.

STAR TREK: Kirk gets advice from Spock, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Leonard Nimoy.
STAR WARS: Luke gets advice from Yoda, a pointy-eared alien who looks like Kermit the Frog.

STAR TREK: Villains are the Borg, a race of automatons who aim to assimilate the galaxy.
STAR WARS: Villains are the Stormtroopers, a race of automatons who can’t aim at the broadside of a barn.

STAR WARS: Biggest fans are geeks like me with absolutely no social life.
STAR TREK: Ok, no real difference there.

Hopefully that clears things up a bit and may the Force help you live long and prosper.

TNT knows drama

Tuesday, May 10th, 2005

TNT has exclusive rights to cover the second round of the NBA playoffs and for the most part this is not a bad thing. The production values are high, the picture quality is good, and the commentators actually give the Pistons some degree of respect. The do a decent job, except…

TNT views the playoffs as a golden opportunity to promote their new dramatic series: THE CLOSER. During the two hours of the game, they played approximately 7,246 commercials for THE CLOSER. They had the commentators remind sports fans to check out THE CLOSER. They even played ads for it during the game! They would shrink the game to the size of a cell phone screen, while playing a spot for THE CLOSER in a much larger picture.

This would all be bad enough even if THE CLOSER looked like the next great “must see tv” series. It doesn’t. It’s looks like a pile of poo. In summary, THE CLOSER is coming in to shake up the police department, restore order to the city and strike fear in the hearts of criminals. THE CLOSER is…Kyra Sedwick??

I know when I think “bad ass”, I think Kyra Sedwick. Remember how she single handedly beat up that grunge rock band in Singles, and when she made John Travolta her bitch in Phenomenon, and when she torched an entire Vietnamese village in Born on the 4th of July? She oozes toughness.

Next week on THE CLOSER:

(in the interrogation room)
THE CLOSER: You better start talking right now or I’ll…I’ll…
CRIMINAL: You’ll what?
THE CLOSER: I’ll start crying.

(leading her team on the streets)
THE CLOSER: You’re the sorriest bunch of cops I’ve ever met! Out here in the field I will not tolerate sloppiness. You need stay disciplined, focused and most off all…ohh look a puppy!

(and back in the interrogation room)
THE CLOSER’s lip begins to tremble, her eyes well up…
CRIMINAL: Ok, I’ll talk, I’ll talk! Just don’t cry! Do you uh…need a hug?
THE CLOSER: (sniff sniff) Yes.
CRIMINAL: There, there now. Think happy thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns, puppies
THE CLOSER: Puppies? With wittle paws and big brown eyes?

Yep, I’ll be warming up my VCR to tape that one.