Archive for April, 2005

Do-do, Do-do-do

Wednesday, April 27th, 2005

It is relentless, looping, rewinding and replaying again, bouncing off the walls my skull, crowding out any rational thought until all that remains is pure madness. It is the do-do, do-do-do song.

I was at a restaurant with my girlfriend when in the background, I heard someone singing it. I knew it I had heard it before – some TV show or movie, but I couldn’t place where. And so it began. Unable to tuck it back in it’s appropriate mental file, it quickly spread like a virus to every area of my brain.

It goes like this:

Do-do, Do-do,

That’s it. No other lyrics, no instruments, just an endless pile of Do.

Desperate for help, I sang it to my girlfriend in the hopes she could peg it. It took her a few minutes, but she was eventually able to recognize that I am insane.

So I did a Google search for it. Quite helpful. Has anyone seen my grain of sand? I dropped it on the beach somewhere. The search: Song, “Do-do, do-do-do” resulted in 20,600 matches. Which is a little scary because it means there are 20,600 other idiots like me who think they can convey the sound of a note with the word “Do”.

There were variations of course. Do-de-dah, Do-do-dah, Na-nee-nah-do-dah (who could forget that song!). Some people actually had more info on the songs they were looking for. Songs about or sung by monkeys, hamsters, Jamaicans, dinosaurs, Franki Valli, The Beatles and of course Pokeman. But no one knows the name of their respective mind-bending tune, each cursed to their own private hell of “Do-do, Do-do-do”.

Of course no one actually had my “Do-do, do-do-do”, but I’ve only eliminated 15 of the the 20,600 matches so far. I may have to give up a few things to find it – work, social life, using the bathroom to relieve myself, etc. but by god I will find it. Until then…

Do-do, Do-do-do.

Leader of the Free World

Friday, April 15th, 2005

“When I first read that in the newspaper about the need to have passports, particularly the day crossings that take place, about a million for instance in the state of Texas, I said, ‘what’s going on here?’”
-George W. Bush

um…so the president receives his information on current legislation by reading the newspaper???

I’m curious which publication he is reading. Just for fun, I think someone should slip him a copy of The Weekly World News Magazine before his next press conference:

“My fellow Americans. It saddens me to report I have learned that a new Axis of Evil has formed under the nose of America’s feet. In an effort to undermine our freedom and cherished values, Fidel Castro has formed an alliance with the sharks of the South Atlantic ocean. The recent attacks on Miamibeach citizens have been nothing short of a preamble to Cuban occupation.

Our three pronged response will be strong and swift:
1. At 0800 hours this morning we will release a giant cloud of Freon creating a hole in the ozone layer. This will allow the sun to boil the ocean and teach the insurgent sharks a lesson.

2. We will deport all sharks from Orlando’s Seaworld, including dolphins and the worst sharks of all, killer whales. By popular demand, Shamu will be allowed to stay, but will subjected to random background checks and restricted to only three shows a day at 1,3, and 5pm.

3. My brother Jeb will work in conjunction with Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neal, who I’ve recently learned is an alien from the planet Xanex. Together they will lead an extra terrestrial strike force deep into the heart of Cuba, where they will uproot the evil dictator Castro and install a new government of freedom and democracy.

If only he had played the kazoo…

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Son of the Year

Spam of the day

Friday, April 8th, 2005

Received by my girlfriend:

“Many women like cocks in their butt! Videos here!”

Wow! I’m suprised this craze isn’t getting more media attention -

Jane: For more on the story we go Stone Jackson, live on location. Stone?”

Stone: “Thanks Jane. A new phenomenon has been sweeping Rosscommon County like wildfire. It’s called “cocks in their butt”. Locals say they haven’t seen anything like it since the Beenie Baby craze of the early 90′s. Earlier today we spoke to resident Ethyl McKay who swears by it:

Stone: “So you actually like cocks in your butt?”

Ethyl: “Oh yes. I started small with only one cock in my butt, but now I can’t go anywhere unless I have two or three. They give me good luck at Bingo.

Stone: “And Mr. McKay what do you think about all this?”

Mr.McKay: “I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. I tried it and it wasn’t a big deal.”

Stone: “Well, there you have it. Someday maybe all of us will have cocks in our butt. I know I will. Back to you Jane.”

Peace out JPII

Friday, April 1st, 2005

You knew he was in trouble when they read him his Last Rites. But what I want to know is, why bother? If he wasn’t going to heaven by now, then forget about it! I mean, there he is at the pearly gates:

St.Peter: Name?
Pope: JohnPaul
St.Peter: Hmmm…nope.
Pope: JohnPaul II
St.Peter: Don’t see it.
Pope: As in “The Pope”
St.Peter: Sorry, can’t help you.
Pope: Fuck, you guys are strict.