Archive for March, 2005

bonding experience

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

Is it wrong for a man to take a shower with another man…um, never mind.

Hey, just because I have occasionally played video games in my underweare with my roommate, talked to him on the phone “like a woman” (according to my girlfriend) and now taken a shower with him, that doesn’t make me…gay, oh my god, I am! Why am I always the last to know these things??

No wait, there is explanation. It all goes back to THE BATHROOM. Unfortunately it would take a million pages to truly do it justice. An entire website could have been dedicated to THE BATHROOM. But to summarize: Long ago, my roommate had a vision of THE BATHROOM. It would have a shower large enough to fit you and seven of your closest friends, all tiled with heated floors, multiple gold faucets hitting you with water from every angle, towel warmers, ceiling mirrors and a digital temperature controlled steamer to create a sauna.

Sadly the professional labor expenses needed to create this vision would cost more than the GNP of Brazil. So to cut corners, he hired our handyman neighbor Randy to do it. Since that day, entire houses have been raised in our neighborhood, governments have fallen, risen and fallen again, and the Red Sox have even won the freakin World Series. And yet the bathroom still wasn’t complete. My roommate invested every dime he made along with all his physical and emotional energy into the project. And yet the bathroom still wasn’t complete. He begged Randy to get it done, bought him a cell phone so he could call him relentlessly about it, went over to his house and banged on the door at all hours of the night when Randy didn’t show for work. Finally after almost losing his fiancee, his good credit score and his sanity, he wrote Randy an impassioned letter begging him to just…get…it…done! And yet to this day, the bathroom still isn’t complete.

But the shower is.

Last night he fired it up for the first time. Admittedly it is a true thing of beauty, almost exactly the way he envisioned it (minus the tiled initials of his name and a tiled picture of Brook Burke which he had legitimately considered). I had been complaining about my sinuses, so he ordered me to get my bathing suit on and come on down. I couldn’t pass it up, even if it did mean we would have to get “His and His” towels. This was just too much of an event in the making.

And the sauna absolutley kicks ass. Sinuses were a non-issue by the time we got up to 94 degrees. It was a wonderful experience despite his glistening chest hair. His goal was to get up to 110 because as I have mentioned in the past, he is certifiable. I made it up to 100 before the lightheadedness got to me (presumably from the heat I hope).

So I excused myself to go watch some manly basketball.

I’m not sure how much the therapy will cost, so I am going to start saving now.

I’m hard pressed to think of a worse way to go…

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

When Fertilizer Attacks