My girlfriend’s house is located back in a heavily wooded area that I suspect was once a thriving nuclear test site. It is not uncommon in the summer for spiders in her yard to grow to the size of your head. They spin unthinkably large webs to catch their favorite snack, the 1988 Chevette. There were also the giant mutant skunks we found. Of course they weren’t giant at the time because they were babies, but I’d bet they are as big as grizzly bears by now. Nothing however could prepare us for nature’s latest attack – wild turkeys!
Now you may not find turkeys to be all that intimidating, and I understand why. My cousins used to have a turkey farm – turkeys that were nice, small, complacent, and above all, dumb. I mean really dumb. They were so dumb that when it rained, my uncle would have to shoo them inside before they drowned. How does one drown in the rain? Just look up at the sky and keep your mouth open. I am not kidding. They were really that dumb
But these unholy aberrations known as “wild” turkeys are different. My girlfriend was brave enough to take a couple pictures before she was probably eaten, and the images are terrifying. Giant hulking birds everywhere, moving in a carefully strategized hunting formation. One turkey would distract you from the front until two others could sneak up behind you and spring their murderous ambush.
It’s probably already too late for me, but there still may be time to save your selves. The key is to listen for their stalking call which you can listen to here (be warned, if you have children have them leave the room immediately)
http://www.nwtf.org/special_events/turkey_calls_purr.html
If you hear this bonechilling sound, run like hell, get inside and lock the doors. Otherwise you will quickly find yourself the main course at the gobbler’s buffet. Good luck and may god help us all.